When couples separate, there are a lot of unprocessed emotions involved, like hurt, anger, disappointment, and betrayal. Most of these emotions are felt toward their ex-partners, so they look for ways to retaliate. Surprisingly, they may not realize that their attitudes are affecting the relationship between the child and the other parent. Sometimes, they intend to alienate the child from the parent as a way to get back at their ex-partner, which can ultimately harm the child’s emotional well-being and development. Here, we will be discussing 17 signs of parental alienation.
Let’s get started…
Key Takeaways
- Parental alienation is a scheme where a child shows negative behavior towards a parent due to manipulation of various types, be it physical or emotional, by the other parent.
- There are three stages of parental alienation: Naive or mild parental Alienation, Active/Moderate Parental Alienation, and Obsessive/Severe Parental Alienation.
- Some signs of alienating parents are badmouthing, withdrawal of love, blaming, and false accusations towards the other parent.
- Signs of alienating children are mixed feelings, hostility, and disrespect toward the targeted parent.
- Parental alienation is a type of abuse that, like other forms of abuse, must be treated by removing the child from the situation. In severe cases or in moderate cases with an uncooperative alienating parent, the child may need to be removed from their custody.
What Is Parental Alienation?
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines alienation as “the withdrawing or separation of a person’s affections from an object or position of former attachment.” In other words, estrangement.
Parental alienation is a scheme where a child shows negative behavior towards a parent due to manipulation of various types, be it physical or emotional, by the other parent. It includes telling the child that the other parents do not love them, criticizing the other parent in front of the child, encouraging disrespect, telling the child all of the parent’s flaws, denying the other parent and child the opportunity to spend time with each other, and forcing the child to cut ties with the parent.
The child tends to display the impact of these actions in various ways, like unjustified hostility, fear, rejection, and disrespect towards the other parent, which will negatively affect their future emotional, social, and physical well-being. Normally, this occurs when the parents are struggling for child custody.
Parental alienation usually happens to children with divorced or separated parents or parents who are on the verge of divorce and are already handling the legal proceedings. Three parties are involved in parental alienation: the alienating parent, the targeted parent, and the alienated child.
The Alienating Parent
These are people who have the desire for alienation as a form of vengeance. They foster feelings of bitterness, frustration, and anger and want to cause the other parent pain, so they use the child as a means of infliction. The alienating parent’s main aim is to make the child favor him or her by shading the other parent in a negative light, as they do not want the child to have a decent relationship with the other parent.
They use different tactics such as manipulation and deceit, withdrawal of love as punishment whenever the child shows love towards the other parent, and defamation of the other parent in front of the child. This parent behaves like he or she has the child’s interests at heart while it is all done for their selfish interests.
The Targeted Parent
This is the recipient of all the negative actions (the scapegoat); most of the time, they are unaware of the alienating parent’s intentions. The targeted parent trains the child to reject this parent and see them as bad and dangerous. When you alienate a child from a targeted parent, they go through emotional and psychological distress.
The Alienated Child
This is the child of the parents. Unfortunately, this child nurtures unreasonable and intense negative feelings and beliefs. The behaviors include rejection, anger, fear, or hatred towards the targeted parent due to the manipulation and deceit of the alienating parent. A psychologist named Gardner noted eight behaviors that alienated children:
1. A campaign of denigration of the targeted parent
2. The child gives weak and absurd reasons for the hostility and rejection shown towards the targeted parent.
3. The child views one parent (the alienating parent) as all good, and the other (the targeted parent) is seen as all bad.
4. The lack of guilt and remorse in the child for the cruel treatment of the targeted parent.
5. The child’s automatic support for the favored parent against the other parent in all situations.
6. The child strongly insists that he has not been influenced at all by the favored parent for the rash decisions he/she makes.
7. The child’s use of words, phrases, and scenarios borrowed from the favored parent.
8. The spread of the child’s animosity to those related to the targeted parent.
How Does Parental Alienation Start?
Parental alienation is a gradual process because the child does not have a change of attitude overnight. Here are some factors to consider in identifying parental alienation:
1. The child had a positive relationship with the parent before the sudden rejection
2. There is no history of abuse or neglect inflicted by the rejected parent
3. The other parent exhibits parental Alienating behaviors
4. The child begins to display behavioral patterns of parental alienation
5. The child refuses a relationship with the parent. It could start from rejecting phone calls to refusing visits.
N.B. Address this issue with the alienating parent immediately and seek legal assistance if it persists.
Stages of Parental Alienation
Parental alienation comes at different stages and levels. Psychologists broke it down into 3 stages, and we will be discussing all of them:
- Naive or mild parental Alienation
- Active/Moderate Parental Alienation
- Obsessive/Severe Parental Alienation
1. Naive/Mild Parental Alienation
In this type of parental alienation, the alienating parent does not aim to manipulate or turn the child away from the targeted parent. The signs he/she showcases are infrequent arguments and passive negative comments in front of the child. This stage is easiest to work on because the alienating parent has the child’s interest in mind and is willing to work on the problem. Usually, addressing the issue with a naive alienator should solve the problem as it is not the intention of the parent to alienate the child.
2. Active/Moderate Parental Alienation
An active parental alienator has deep-rooted anger, resentment, and frustration towards the other parent as a result of the separation or divorce. They lack self-control and tend to lash out in the presence of the child. Most times, they are unwilling to work with the other parent in making arrangements concerning the child, and then there is the occasional hindrance of visitation as a way of retaliation. Although the alienated parent often feels guilty and may try to fix the problem, usually, it takes the involvement of a third party like a therapist, mediator, or a warning from the court to calm the tension between the two parents.
3. Obsessive/Severe Parental Alienation
This is where we should be wary because, as the name implies, it is obsessive. The alienating parent intentionally tries to alienate the child from the other parent. They foster feelings of betrayal, bitterness, and anger towards the targeted parent as a result of the separation or the legal proceedings of divorce, which only deepen as time passes. He or she sees the child as a tool to work against the targeted parent.
After all, the only connection between the two parents after all legal actions have been taken is the child, so they can not stand to see the bond between them. Cases like this require intervention as soon as the problem is identified. This is to avoid permanent damage to the relationship between the child and the targeted parent. The court handles severe parental alienation in the presence of an attorney.
17 Signs of Parental Alienation
During the manifestation of parental alienation, there are some signs in the behavioral patterns of the alienated parent and the alienated child. There are a lot, but we will be discussing 17 signs of parental alienation:
Here are some signs of an Alienating parent:
1. Unnecessarily confiding in the child:
This includes telling the child what occurs during the separation or legal proceedings of divorce and sharing private information about the other parent with the child. While doing this, he or she exaggerates certain characters and portrays himself or herself as the victim. This will exert pity from the child towards the parent and anger or hatred towards the targeted parent.
2. Badmouthing:
The parent always speaks poorly of the targeted parent, making him or her look uncaring, neglectful, harmful, and dangerous. This makes the child feel hate, among other things, towards the other parent.
3. Withholding Important information:
They intentionally withhold information about the child, like academic records, medical records, and school activities, intending to make the targeted parent miss out on the child’s life.
4. Blaming:
He or she blames the targeted parent for all the problems in the family, like breaking up the family or lacking provisions for the child. This is a sign of parental alienation.
5. False Accusations:
This is another form of badmouthing. The alienating parent accuses the targeted parent of things he or she did not do. In most cases, they lie to the authorities, giving them the impression that the targeted parent is a threat to the child.
6. Telling the child that the Targeted Parent doesn’t love them:
The parent encourages the child to believe that the targeted parent does not love him or her. He or she makes statements that make it seem like the end of the marriage is the end of the love for the child, which will make the child feel rejected.
7. Putting the child in a position to choose sides:
They force the child to choose sides between the two parents in situations that put them together. They go as far as enticing the child with valued items or scheduling the child’s favorite activity when the child is supposed to spend time with the other parent. Therefore, the child favors the alienated parent and dismisses the targeted parent.
8. Spying:
They send the child as a spy to gather information of interest to them about the targeted parent, such as medical records, legal documents, and financial records, whenever the child visits the parent. Sometimes, they question the child after visitations for private information, and the parent may tell the child to keep tabs on them. Sadly, children who spy on their parents can not maintain a decent relationship with them, which increases alienation.
9. Limiting contact:
The alienating parent ignores the parenting arrangements and makes sure to exploit the plans and spend more time with the child. This allows them to feed false and harmful messages about the targeted parent without them having the time to debunk the false information. The child gets used to spending less time with the targeted parent without feeling hurt when this is done.
10. Withdrawal of love:
A parent intending to alienate will tune the child to live by their approval. Naturally, the withdrawal of love occurs when the child shows love and affection for the targeted parent. In order to regain the love of the alienated parent, the child has to renounce the love of the targeted parent and avoid anything that would lessen it, even if it means avoiding the targeted parent.
Some Signs in the Child:
11. Lack of guilt or remorse:
Alienated children feel no sense of guilt or remorse for hurting the targeted parent. They relish their rejection and gloat about it.
12. Mixed feelings:
Another sign is when the child is very warm-hearted when he/she is alone with the targeted parent but behaves cold-hearted when they are together in public. This shows that the child is influenced.
13. The ‘Independent thinker’ phenomenon:
They insist and explain that the decision to reject the targeted parent is fully theirs and not influenced by the alienating parent. Even bring up borrowed scenarios of the alienating parent, which have nothing to do with them.
14. Undermining of authority:
The child upholds the rules and authority of the alienating parent and undermines the authority of the targeted parent, especially in cases of divorce.
15. Disrespect:
The child suddenly starts disrespecting the parent. He/She engages in open criticism and name-calling that mirrors the thoughts of the alienating parent.
16. Extreme Support:
Children with cases of parental alienation always support the alienating parent in every situation, especially in situations concerning the two parents, because they see the alienating parent as perfect and the targeted parent as the opposite.
17. High Hostility:
The child can not defend the level of hostility or disdain exhibited towards the targeted parent. When asked, they end up bringing up borrowed scenarios from the alienating parent that have nothing to do with them.
Effect of Parental Alienation on the Children
1. Mental health difficulties:
When alienated children grow up, they are more likely to suffer from mental problems like anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, and eating disorders. This can be because of the unhealthy environment they grew up in.
2. Addiction & Substance Use:
Due to overwhelming emotions, they search for ways to escape or numb the feelings and choose addiction. So, they abuse drugs or alcohol in order to cope with the pain they feel. Some of them become sex and pornography addicts because of their uncontrollable need to attach to people.
3. Inability to maintain healthy relationships:
Alienated Children grow up believing that being hostile and repulsive is acceptable behavior. They think that manipulation and deceit are everyday routines in a relationship.
4. Emotional Pain:
Some types of emotional pain alienated children go through in life are low self-esteem and self-hatred. They have the mindset that something must be wrong with them. This is because they believe that their parent (targeted parent) did not love them and rejected them.
5. Lack of trust:
Alienated Children have high trust issues. They tend to be emotionally distant and don’t handle conflict well. This affects their social and romantic relationship.
6. Repeated Cycle:
They grow up to become alienated from their children. They become targeted parents.
Parental Alienation vs Parental Alienation Syndrome
Now, Parental alienation refers to the activities an alienating parent engages in, while Parental alienation syndrome is a development that occurs in a child due to the activities of the alienating parent. Richard Gardner introduced the term in 1985. He introduced it when describing the signs and symptoms an alienated child exhibits toward the targeted parent.
Although the two terms tend to be interchanged by writers, legal practitioners, and researchers, which causes confusion. Parental alienation is an action that causes a reaction, which is parental alienation syndrome.
However, Parental Alienation Syndrome has not been validated by any scientific organization as a term. It is not in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). However, it is used in legal settings because of its clinical, scientific, and forensic background.
How to Prove Parental Alienation
Addressing a Parental Alienation case can be tricky because of its difficulty in providing proof. Here are things you, as a targeted parent, should do when you become suspicious:
1. Documentation:
It is important to document everything you see as soon as you notice it. Take down notes about your observations and conversations you have with the alienating parent and your child. Try to put all forms of communication in writing and save copies of texts and emails. If this is done on time and the records are kept cautiously, you will be able to find traits that align with the 17 signs of Parental Alienation.
2. Have a clear and comfortable relationship with your child
This will make them feel free to tell you what is going on with the other parent, which could help you figure out any alienating behavior (“Mummy told me not to invite you to my school for…..”). Instead of trying to discuss the situation with the other parent, you could take the child to see a professional for clarification.
3. Talk to other people who know your child
Speaking with those engaged in your child’s life, such as teachers, coaches, friends, babysitters, etc, is helpful. They might be able to notice a change in the behavioral pattern of the child. Take a record of what they tell you; they can serve as witnesses.
4. Seek legal aid
Before taking any action, consult a legal practitioner for advice, preferably one with experience in parental cases. As they are professionals and would know what to do. Sometimes, the court will give you consent for a psychological assessment of your child. This will help you to confirm your suspicions and know the way forward. Parental Alienation court cases are usually difficult to prove, tedious, and costly, so it is better to seek all legal options before taking them to court.
Treating Parental Alienation
Parental alienation is treated based on its severity. If your child has a minor case, a judge may be able to order the alienating parent to stop speaking negatively about you in front of your child and to follow the parenting plan.
You may also benefit from a parenting coordinator, such as through a parenting class, to assist you and your ex in improving communication and supporting your child’s relationships.
In moderate cases of parental alienation, a parenting coordinator or counselor can help you and your child’s other parent communicate more effectively. Attending individual counseling may also be beneficial for all of you. However, this approach will only be effective if the alienating parent is committed to resolving the issue.
In severe cases or in moderate cases with an uncooperative alienating parent, the child may need to be removed from their custody. Parental alienation is a type of abuse that, like other forms of abuse, must be treated by removing the child from the situation.
If this is done, the child may be placed with you, while the other parent will be granted supervised visitation, at least temporarily.
It is critical to identify parental alienation in its early stages, as treatment for more severe cases may cause more harm than good. If reunification is forced and the child perceives it as punishment, it may cause long-term harm. Children who are separated from their alienated parents may feel more helpless and suffer additional trauma.
If you suspect your child has parental alienation, seek professional help. Begin with a therapist who understands parental alienation and can collaborate with you to develop a treatment plan for your child.
Conclusion
Most people dismiss alienation as “the child acting up” or “the child is taking the divorce too hard” without even realizing it is happening. Parental alienation is a gradual process; the changes do not just occur overnight. So please pay close attention to your children because their development is at stake. Most parents do not even realize they are exhibiting alienating signs or having negative impacts on their children.
Making sacrifices is necessary even if divorce or separation is difficult and can be extremely frustrating. Your child’s growth should be your main priority. It is important to maintain a healthy relationship with your ex-partner for the sake of your children. Seeking professional help or counseling can also be beneficial in navigating through this difficult time. It will ensure that your children’s emotional well-being is taken care of.
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