We always want what’s best for our kids. And won’t mind giving them the best to keep them comfortable and happy. Sometimes, by doing this we unintentionally start enabling our children. What happens when our kids become adults and we realize that we have unwittingly given them too much so much that they seem not to be able to function properly? Realizing the difference between helping a child and enabling a child may be difficult but breaking this cycle can be even more difficult even. If you are looking for ways to stop enabling your grown child to help them realize their full potential, you have just found the right article.
Key Takeaways
- Enabling a child means extreme protection of a person such that they cannot bear responsibility for their actions.
- If you make all the decisions for them and are unable to tell them ‘no’ because they will get upset or unhappy and they depend on you for their expenses then you are enabling your child.
- When you step in and take responsibility for your child’s every action, you limit their abilities to learn and cope well in society. You instill in them, a feeling of dependence and, consequently, a feeling of low self-esteem.
- To stop enabling your grown child, first deal with your worries about watching your child struggle, then set boundaries. Give them a sense of confidence by encouraging them. However, expect to receive pushback from them. You can also consider family/parent coaching or ask them to see a therapist.
What Is Enabling?
It’s only natural that parents want to protect their children. But when does protection turn into enablement?
Enabling a child means extreme protection of a person such that they cannot bear responsibility for their actions. An enabled person gains a feeling of entitlement, becomes limited in their abilities and potential, and would most often have limited coping mechanisms to live with many challenges. When a child is enabled, they often go on to grow into dependent adults who cannot function properly without the help and assistance of their parents. Since humans ought to become independent at some point to continue the cycle of life, having a grown adult dependent on his parents is not only challenging but a menace to society.
Signs That You Are Enabling Your Child
Imagine that anytime your child needs an assignment done, he comes to you for assistance. In the early years of a child’s life, there is nothing inherently wrong with assisting your child with their assignments. But there is a point when a child should take on the responsibility of doing their assignment without their guidance. If you keep helping your child beyond this stage, you can say you are ‘enabling’ such a child. So where do we set the boundaries between protecting and helping? When does the ‘helping hand’ you are lending begin to hurt?
Here are the key signs that you are enabling your child;
- You make all the decisions for them
- You are unable to tell them ‘no’ because they will get upset or unhappy
- They depend on you for their expenses
- Lack of respect from your kids
- You feel resentful of their actions
- Their demands are overwhelming yet you can’t refuse
- They feel entitled
- They develop a self-centered attitude
- You are still responsible for their welfare even as adults who should be capable of taking care of themselves
Effects of Enabling Your Grown Child
Enabling a grown child comes with many consequences. At the time of enablement, it may not be obvious, as you may think you are doing them a favor. However, in the long run, enabling your grown child will come to hurt, not just you and those around them but the child in question.
When you step in and take responsibility for your child’s every action, you limit their abilities to learn and cope well in society. You instill in them, a feeling of dependence and, consequently, a feeling of low self-esteem.
Furthermore, when a person cannot take care of themselves at a certain stage without the assistance and aid of their parents, they start to lack self-confidence. What happens when daddy and mommy are not available to step in? They lurk in the shadows.
The truth is that for your child to grow all around, they have to undergo certain struggles and face them alone. Coming to bear the full brunt of their actions at every whine will leave them deficient in problem-solving abilities. Also, a time will come when you become resentful as a parent. You get tired of carrying out their responsibilities but can’t stop. You get angry and sad at their inability to cope without you and this will make your relationship with your child suffer.
How to Stop Enabling Your Grown Child
Do you think it’s too late to stop enabling your grown child? Well, it’s not. Here are actionable steps on how to stop enabling your grown child;
Deal With Your Worries About Watching Your Child Struggle
As a parent, we tend to get anxious seeing our children struggle. Instinctively, we try to help out in every way we can. But sometimes, this constant help will start to hurt us and our children.
Learn to deal with your anxieties when seeing your child go through certain experiences. This is because these experiences help them to learn and shape them into independent adults.
When your child is undergoing specific challenges, develop a tolerance for the urge to step in. Ask yourself “What is the worst that could happen if I don’t help?” and What is the best possible outcome if they go through this alone?”. If you can’t seem to deal with your anxieties, you can speak to a therapist.
Set Boundaries
Boundaries are important in every relationship, including the parent-child relationship. Set boundaries and allow them to know that there are expectations that you require them to reach. For instance, if your child is a student, they should understand that the maximum amount of money they get as allowance is $40 and they are expected to spend it wisely.
If they stay at home, there should be designated chores they will take care of. Learn to hold them accountable and there should be repercussions for failure to carry out responsibilities. This way, they come to understand that they cannot fail to be responsible.
Expect Pushbacks
When you set boundaries, your child would most likely push back because boundaries would force them out of their comfort zones which they might find unpleasant. They might become grumpy, sad, sometimes, unyielding, and even
In instances like this, you may be tempted to relapse on your boundaries to make them happy. But remember, the long-term gain is more important than the short-term happiness they will feel. Expect the pushbacks and learn to be firm in such situations, your ‘no’ should be ‘no’ and firmly reinstates that they are to account for their actions at all times.
While doing this, however, be careful not to invalidate their feelings or struggles. Be encouraging and emotionally available. Push but do not shove.
Family/Parent Coaching
Nobody has a monopoly of knowledge and no one is a parent until they become a parent, that being said, parents must acknowledge that sometimes, they need assistance in parenting. It’s nothing to be ashamed of to seek guidance when it comes to parenting. If you think you are not as firm as you should be in your parenting duties, you can seek out a coach to help redirect your steps in your parenting journey.
Often, we do things only to the best of our knowledge and our knowledge on certain things may be stunted and that’s where coaching comes in.
Give Them a Sense of Confidence
Enabled persons lack confidence which is what makes them dependent. Learn to encourage them using the right words. This would boost their confidence and make them willing to take risks and experience life.
Lack of confidence creates fear and makes people always want to take cover at the slightest challenge. Use languages like “Let us know when you figure it out”, “we believe you can pull this off”, and “This is for you to work out, but we are here if you need help”. These languages show you believe in their abilities and capabilities. And children always seek the approval of their parents first, if you make them believe they can do it, they would certainly put in their best shot.
Improve Your Social Network
Oftentimes, because we are busy tending to our children, we cut all adult connections from our lives. So, our social life becomes dependent on our children. This might lead to enablement because we start to seek their approval and validation. To stop this, grow your social network. Make other adult relationships independent of your children. Live life free from your children.
Ask Them to See a Therapist
If you have cause to believe your grown child has been enabled, it may be worthwhile to encourage them to talk to a therapist. A therapist may aid your child in seeking clarity on how he can regain his self-confidence and sense of independence. Remember that when a person is enabled, they develop a sense of entitlement and learned helplessness; sometimes the boundaries you set may come off as needless punishments to them
Supporting Versus Enabling Your Grown Child
Good parenting means being supportive, emotionally, financially, morally, and otherwise. Support can however metamorphose into enabling without us being aware. How do we tell the difference between being supportive and being enabling?
What Is Support?
To support is to empower. When you support your child, you simply provide the necessary facilities to help empower them to reach their maximum potential. Now, imagine that your child wants to become a doctor in the future, being aware of this, you decide to send them to school appropriate for doctors, buy books and materials that will aid learning, take them on trips and excursions where they can see the works of doctors and most importantly, encourage them on the importance of hard work if they want to achieve their dreams, this is support. More because what you have done is to empower them and give them the right tools, financially, materially, and mentally necessary to achieve their goals.
To support, you have to teach, provide, coach, encourage, enlighten, and care.
Supporting versus enabling; while supporting our children will empower them and help them grow into responsible independent adults, enabling them will leave them mentally stunted.
There is a thin line between supporting and enabling and parents must be careful not to cross that line.
Failure to Launch Syndrome
One of the greatest consequences of enabling parenting is raising children with ‘failure to launch syndrome’. People with “Failure to launch syndrome” tend to cut themselves off from the outside world and have no desire to look for work or make a financial contribution. A child’s failure to launch can be caused by a variety of causes, such as over-parenting, trauma in the family, and mental health problems.
Conclusion
While it’s important for parents to help their children, it’s even more important they understand the boundary between helping and enabling a child. it’s equally worth noting that it’s never too late to set boundaries and stop enabling” a grown child.
Take that step. Start saying no and begin to enforce rules and most importantly, seek a therapist if necessary.
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