What is a way to stop talking with someone or a better way to say, “I’m not into you anymore,” without putting the other person in digital silence (ghosting), being rude, or blocking them?
Ghosting refers to abruptly ending communication. When it comes to online dating, ghosting as a way of breaking up has become a norm. Despite its widespread use, ghosting is a dating practice that many would like replaced with something less harsh. In this article, I’ll teach you alternative and more compassionate ways to stop talking with someone without ghosting them.
Key Takeaways
- Ghosting is when someone you’ve been dating just vanishes from your life and stops all communication after a few dates. They will vanish like a ghost after a few days of talking or texting, and they frequently cancel plans to meet—sometimes multiple times.
- Instead of ghosting, you can stop talking to someone by saying, “I enjoyed getting to know you, but the more time we spent together, the more I realized we weren’t a good match.”
- When you need to stop talking to someone you love without ghosting, you can spend less time with them, explain why you don’t want to talk to them, and distract yourself with other activities when you can’t stop thinking about them.
The Problem with ‘Ghosting’
Whether it’s been three weeks or three months, being ghosted by someone you’re dating is not fun. However, we can all agree that ghosting is one of the most disrespectful dating habits. In fact, one 2019 survey revealed that 30% of people have ghosted someone, while another 2020 study discovered that 85% of respondents had been ghosted.
So, if we all despise being ghosted, why is it so popular? According to Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST, founder of The Center for Modern Relationships in Chicago, this is because it’s simple, “especially if you’ve only had a few dates with someone and feel like you don’t owe them anything.”
According to Lexi Joondeph-Breidbart, LMSW, founder of the Lonely Hearts Club, ghosting is often motivated by fear. “Letting someone down can also feel like it would cause conflict, something that is uncomfortable for a lot of people.”
However, both experts agree that ghosting is just wrong—unless there is a safety issue. Otherwise, if you aren’t interested in the person, you have to admit it and offer closure for both parties. “Being honest allows you to move on since this person now knows not to continue reaching out and allows the other person to move on now that they know you are no longer interested,” Joondeph-Breidbart states.
Dating apps are also partly to blame for fostering an environment where feelings can be ignored rather than confronted or rejected.
According to the popular dating app Hinge, 91% of users have reported being ghosted. Logan Ury, Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science, notes that 40% of ghosters do so because they are unsure how to explain why they want to stop talking to someone.
Being open with someone may be uncomfortable, but it promotes transparency, which is less harmful in the long run. Provided the person did not make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, giving closure is important. Here are a few healthy ways to stop talking to someone and how to end what isn’t working.
How to Stop Talking With Someone Without Ghosting
What to say instead of ghosting in the following situations:
When you both are just incompatible.
Sometimes the person you hit it off with isn’t who you thought they’d turn it to be. Incompatibility occurs from time to time; it is not a cause for concern.
Instead of ghosting, try saying, “I enjoyed meeting you, but I don’t believe we have much in common. Compatibility is something I value, so I believe it’s time to end this.”
When the first (second and third) date did not go so well.
If the first few dates do not leave you wanting more, it may be time to move on. I have a particular go-to move, whenever I’m in this position:
Instead of ghosting, I say something like, “I enjoyed getting to know you, but the more time we spent together, the more I realized we weren’t a good match.”
When you’re no longer interested.
Dating is difficult, and you can’t always hide your disinterest in your new love interest. When the passion wears off, there are less painful ways to communicate this.
Instead of ghosting, consider saying, “I had a great time hanging out with you; I think you’re fantastic. To be honest, I don’t think we have as strong a connection as I thought. I think it’s better if we end things here. I hope you can understand.”
If you aren’t ready to commit.
Whether you’ve recently ended a relationship or are preoccupied with other non-romantic aspects of your life, it’s sometimes important to let others know that you’re unavailable.
Instead of ghosting, say, “These past few dates have been incredible, but if I’m being real, I’m not in a position to commit to a long-term relationship right now, and I don’t want to waste your time.”.
When the vibe is off.
Maybe your values are very different. Or maybe they were unexpectedly disrespectful to a waiter. Perhaps Mercury was in retrograde, which resulted in some unusual interactions. Whatever it was, you weren’t into it.
Instead of ghosting, try saying, “I’m not sure if you felt the same way, but I don’t feel like we’re on the same page. It seems like a better option to end things now rather than force them. I still wish you the best.”
If you’re making it official with someone else.
This one is never easy for anyone. Instead of entirely rejecting the old love interest, give a considerate explanation that lays everything out.
Instead of ghosting, consider saying, “As much as I enjoyed getting to know you, I can’t continue to see you because I’ve met someone else and things are getting serious between us. I want to be honest now before we continue to strengthen our bond.”
When you feel underappreciated by the person.
It is not unusual to feel ignored or undervalued while communicating with someone via online dating applications. Dating app users frequently interact with numerous persons at the same time. If you haven’t gotten past the superficial side of things, you may be noticing only a few attempts to get to know you.
Instead of ghosting, try saying, “I’m not interested in going on another date with you because we don’t share the same romantic expectations. I hope you find what you’re looking for, though.”
When you’re better as friends.
This one’s a classic. Sometimes the jokes are plentiful, and the dates last hours longer than you anticipated. Even with perfect chemistry, romance is difficult to fake. If you’re both open to friendship, the energy can still last.
Instead of ghosting, consider saying, “I’m quite grateful that our paths crossed. I believe we have wonderful energy together, but I see us thriving as friends rather than partners. If you’re open to it, I’d like to maintain our friendship, but I understand and respect if that’s not what you want.”
When you’re ready to move on from a fling.
If you’ve been casually dating someone for a few months (but not exclusively) and no longer want to see them, Joondeph-Breidbart recommends sending this anti-ghost text. While you may like the person, you may “start to have other priorities.” With this in mind, a short and easy text message, such as the one below, can go a very long way.
What to say: “I’ve liked our time together, and you’re a lot of fun to spend time with. I wanted to be honest and tell you that I don’t see this progressing any further.”
If you’re done dating for a while.
According to relationship coach Gaby Balsells, this is another great text to send if you need a break from the dating scene. “This statement closes the communication loop,” returning the focus back to yourself. Furthermore, consider this text to be setting a healthy boundary by “ending the connection in a clear way” and “being kind so the other person doesn’t feel like it’s a personal rejection.”
What to say: “It’s been a pleasure getting to know you, but I’ll be taking a break from dating at the time. It’s entirely personal, and I need it. I wish you the best!”
How to Stop Talking With Someone You Love
So you have a crush, but you know you can’t be together. This could be for many different kinds of reasons, including being taken, being toxic, or simply not being a good fit. Whatever the reason, being in this situation is certainly confusing.
When your heart and mind are at odds, the best thing you can do is to walk away. But how do you do it? Fortunately, we’ve collected a list of tips to help you stop talking to someone you like and move on!
1. Spend less time together in person.
Avoid hanging out whenever you can. If you and your crush see each other frequently, you can maintain some physical space so that you have fewer opportunities or reasons to communicate. Also, the less time you spend together, the less attached you may feel to each other.
2. Make excuses for not hanging out.
Tell them you’re busy or not in the mood for conversation. If you don’t have legitimate reasons to avoid your crush, you can make them up! Make yourself appear inaccessible, and they’ll likely cease reaching out after a while. This applies to in-person encounters, texts, and phone calls.
3. Keep talks short when you need to interact.
If you run into each other, simply say “hi” and leave it at that. There are times when it may be impossible to escape your crush. For example, if you work, attend the same school, or have the same friends, you’re likely to meet each other on occasion. When you do, keep your conversation to a minimum and respectfully end it how you can.
4. Mute, block, or unfollow them.
Do not respond to your crush’s texts, calls, or posts. Having a phone and using social media makes it tough to avoid interaction with others. If you truly want to stop talking with this individual, you must make yourself both physically and technologically unavailable to them. It may appear harsh, but it will clearly communicate to them that you do not want to converse.
5. Explain why you don’t want to talk to them.
If they confront you about avoiding them, you may have to explain why. Telling the truth might be frightening! However, in other cases, it is the most mature course of action. Telling the truth now could save both of you a lot of sorrow and uncertainty in the future. Just remember to respect their feelings and only bring it up when it’s appropriate.
6. Remind yourself why you can’t continue talking to them.
Trust that you are doing what is best for both of you. Cutting a crush off might be difficult. To give up talking to someone you like requires a lot of self-control! But you have a motive for doing this, right? Next time you find yourself tempted to pick up the phone and dial their number, pause and think about why you know you should not.
7. Talk to the other people in your life.
Remember that your friends and family are here for you. You may not be able to speak with this particular person, but there are many other people in your life with whom you can interact! When you feel like reaching out to someone you like, focus your social energy on others you care about.
8. Keep yourself busy with activities.
Find activities and projects to keep you distracted from your crush. When you like someone, sometimes all you want to do in your free time is to reach them. You can avoid these urges by devoting your attention and efforts to something else. Find something you are passionate about and work extremely hard on it.
9. Distract yourself when you begin to think about them.
Redirect your mind to pleasant things. If you find your attention going to your crush, stop yourself and concentrate on something completely different. Take a deep breath and say to yourself, “Okay! “I am going to think about something else now.” Remind yourself that life is about more than just them.
10. Allow yourself time to get over them.
Believe in yourself; you can and will overcome this crush. The time it takes to completely “move on” from someone you like can range from days to weeks, months to years. Trust that by not talking to them, you are doing your part. This is a critical first step.
11. Start talking to someone else.
Don’t let yourself become fixated on this one individual forever. Perhaps this relationship was never meant to work. That’s okay. This is unlikely to be your only crush in life. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. After you’ve given yourself time to recover and reflect on what you want out of a relationship, you can resume dating!
How to Get Over Being Ghosted
When someone is ghosted, the person they bonded or connected with, often over several dates or even longer, suddenly vanishes in a phantom-like fashion. Never to hear or see them again. Poof! The radio is silent. Crickets.
You’ve been ghosted. It is an awful feeling. However, there are methods to move on from being ghosted and regain your sense of self and confidence.
I know in your moment of pain of being ghosted, you feel it’s impossible to move on, but that’s not true. Here are ways you can overcome this:
- Do not make it about yourself. It’s quite possible that the individual who is ghosting you knows how to avoid confrontation at all costs. They have avoidance issues in relationships or in life.
- Set healthy boundaries. Block them on social media. NOW. Set boundaries for yourself on how much time you spend thinking about this person. Don’t allow them ‘rent space in your brain.’
- Do not blame yourself. Do not make their ghosting about you. It is not. Their ghosting says a lot about them but not about you.
- Stop wasting energy. Don’t waste your time or energy on someone who is unsure or unclear, lacks healthy communication skills, and chooses the easy and cowardly way out.
- Improve your self-care. Self-care is always important, but it is especially important during difficult times. You can accomplish this by spending time outdoors, journaling, picking up a hobby, taking a fun online class, or meeting in person.
- Spend time with your family and friends. Surround yourself with the people who are most important to you and will support you.
- Seek professional help. Working with a therapist can often help you get through this challenging time while also helping you get back on track.
Remember, they lack emotional maturity, thus showing the person they are dating some common courtesy is not in their emotional vocabulary or repertoire. Their emotional immaturity hinders them from doing the right thing and coming clean about their desire to move on.
FAQs
How to Avoid Being Ghosted?
- Take good care of yourself.
- Asking meaningful questions.
- Being forthright with your expectations.
- Understand your attachment type.
- Make more in-person plans.
- Learn your love language.
- Pace the early stages of the relationship.
- Declutter your relationship queue.
What Happens When You Ignore a Ghoster?
In some cases, ignoring a ghoster may lead to them giving up on attempting to reconnect since they take your lack of response as a lack of interest and move on. On the other hand, some ghosters may see your silence as a challenge and continue to contact you.
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