It can be quite disturbing to have a pattern of always ending up with narcissists. I mean, we all know it can be incredibly draining to be in a relationship with a narcissist. However, they are always attracted to you and in other cases, you even find them attractive. You might even begin to wonder if there is something wrong with you. Asking questions like “Why am I attracted to narcissists?” I understand how frustrating that can be and that is why I have explained in detail why you attract a narcissist and very practical ways to make it stop.
Key Takeaways
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder is mainly characterized by excessive self-love for an exaggerated version of them. It entails self-obsessiveness, lack of empathy towards other people, excessive need for admiration, manipulative tendencies, and a love for an exaggerated image of themselves.
- If you battle with low self-esteem, you are most likely to find narcissists attractive and the other way around. This is because narcissists often want people who can caress their egos.
- Narcissists often stay away from people who seem confident because they realize that they won’t be able to control them.
- While more men are diagnosed with this personality disorder than women, about 75% to 25%, there are still a very significant amount of women who are narcissistic in nature.
Who is a Narcissist?
A narcissist is a person who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This personality disorder is mainly characterized by excessive self-love for an exaggerated version of them. It entails self-obsessiveness, lack of empathy towards other people, excessive need for admiration, manipulative tendencies, and a love for an exaggerated image of themselves. Being in a relationship with a narcissist can not only be draining but totally frustrating, confusing, emotionally destructive, and depressing.
Why Am I Attracted to Narcissists?
It’s unfortunate that some people find themselves always attracted to narcissistic people. Some of the reasons you keep attracting narcissists may be:
They Exude Confidence
There is no doubt that narcissists are highly confident and charismatic people. Their negative traits, which include a grandiose self-image, excessive need to be loved, etc., make them see themselves as very attractive and, therefore, the top chase. This can, in turn, affect the way people see them too. Seeing themselves as top pick gives them confidence which can be very attractive. While confidence does not primarily make a person a narcissist, most narcissists exude this quality.
If You Have Low Self-Esteem
If you battle with low self-esteem, you are most likely to find narcissists attractive and the other way around. This is because narcissists often want people who can caress their egos. They would most likely love-bomb you; and make you feel special at first while using your esteem issues against you. They understand that your low self-esteem would make you idolize them, and on the pretext of having your back, they try to keep you under control. When you have low self-esteem and self-doubt, you don’t know what you deserve; narcissists are capable of making themselves seem like the best you can ever get. Their confidence has a big role to play in the attraction.
You Had a Narcissistic Parent
It’s crazy how our minds seek familiarity even in negative situations. People who grew up with a narcissistic mother or father figure tend to subconsciously seek partners with similar traits. Our environment, including our parents, has a big role to play in our present perception of the world and concepts. Narcissistic parents love with conditions, and somehow you grow up thinking that that is what love is about. It is easy to attract what you are familiar with. Even when we are aware of the negative traits our parent possesses, we may find ourselves attracted to people with similar traits because breaking cycles is never as easy as it seems.
You Are Overly Empathic
Overly empathic people find narcissists repeatedly attractive, especially because they don’t understand when to draw the line. Empathetic people are sensitive to others’ pain, and most often get in tune with these pains. Narcissists often prey on this quality. They know how to use the right words and play the pity card. When this happens, empaths take a liking to them because they feel they are the one who understands them the most. It is safe to say that both empathic and narcissistic people attract each other.
You Are a Clingy Partner
Clingy people may just find themselves repeatedly attracted to narcissistic personalities. The controlling features of narcissists may appeal to them. If you are clingy, you have to be careful to be able to tell apart the difference between people who offer genuine affection and control freaks.
Co-dependent Tendecies
When you are emotionally and physically dependent, it means that the other party is likely to take dominance. Narcissistic people love to be in charge, so they will take whatever chance they get. As a codependent person, you are likely to accommodate all their needs even if it means ignoring yours. You are most likely to be attracted to them because you will perceive the dominance as love.
Naivety
Sometimes you genuinely do not understand emotional manipulation or know when you are being manipulated. The narcissists take advantage of this lack of knowledge and innocence. It is very easy to be attracted to their initial charms when you are unaware of how they work. Narcissists know naive people and are naturally attracted to them.
Ways to Stop Attracting Narcissists
Most of us know what happens when two narcissists are in a relationship. But you can’t just help but wonder why you are attracted to narcissists. It is possible to stop being attracted to narcissists; all you need to do is take intentional, necessary steps;
Be Confident
The first step to stop being attracted to narcissists should be to develop self-confidence. Narcissists often stay away from people who seem confident because they realize that they won’t be able to control them. Figure out what you want or need in a relationship and be confident enough to cut ties when you are not getting them. At a first meeting, make it obvious you won’t accept the bare minimum and that you want reciprocated energy. This often wards away narcissists because it is apparent they can’t use the pity card to manipulate you. The fact that you know exactly what you want and you are able to express it makes them uncomfortable.
Set Healthy and Firm Boundaries
When you know what you want and don’t want, it becomes easy to set boundaries. With firmly set boundaries, you will become less attractive to narcissists. Narcissists typically don’t like people who know what they want and what they won’t take. Boundaries make them less controlling and feel less admired. It equally doesn’t suit their overgrown egos since they want to call the shots and dictate what happens and when it happens.
It is important to note that setting firm boundaries does not mean being mean, rude, or not empathic. When you set healthy boundaries, it makes people know better than taking advantage of you. Even when you are empathic, it helps you draw the line. Therefore, when next you meet somebody, be sure to communicate your boundaries and maintain them.
Go At Your Pace
Narcissists are good at love-bombing. This might make a lot of sense as to why narcissists are very attractive. Love-bombing is a situation where someone showers you with excessive affection and love at the onset of a relationship. They do this to make the person at the receiving end become dependent and obligated to them.
When you start receiving this type of affection, it might just be a sign. While love bombing can be extremely intoxicating, it is very unhealthy. This is because they do this intending to control you and get what they want when they want. Remember, if it seems too good to be true, it just might be.
Go at your pace and do not let anybody rush you. Watch their actions and note whether their words match their actions. Do they respect your wishes? Or is it always about what they want? Do they give solely on their terms? Do they always want to hang out and ‘spoil you silly’ even when it’s not convenient for you? Take notice of the minutest details and keep your mind open and alert. Occasionally give excuses as to why you can’t do what they asked and watch what happens. How did they react?
Don’t feel pressured and start making excuses as to why they do things the way they do them. If you find yourself doing this, then you may need to take a step back.
Looks Should Not Be a Priority
While we cannot do away with physical attraction in a relationship totally, we should be aware that physical looks shouldn’t be the priority when looking for a partner. People who prioritize looks most often end up falling for narcissists. Narcissists love excessive admiration and would therefore go to any length to look good. They dress well and exude confidence which is very often attractive. When you make looks a priority you relegate the most important things to the background. This simply means that even when there are glaring signs of narcissism, you may dismiss them since the person looks too good. It should always go beyond the looks.
Don’t Settle For Less
If you ever notice someone trying to manipulate you to settle for less than you deserve in a relationship, that might be a red flag. Narcissists have inflated egos and manipulative tendencies. Even when you know what you want and what you deserve, they could be so manipulative that you see yourself settling for less. Always pay attention to your inner self and ask yourself ”is this what I truly deserve?”
Guard Your Energy
This goes especially to the empaths. Empaths often immerse themselves in other people’s energy; therefore, if you an empath, you have to be careful whose energy you absorb. Stay away from negative energy. Be selective about the people you choose to spend time with. Since empaths have the ability to be very compassionate towards people, it makes them more vulnerable to narcissists. So it’s best to prevent getting the energy of a narcissist than trying to cure it.
Quit Self-Blame
When you blame yourself for every rock bottom you hit with your partner, you don’t quite see the issues, and that means one thing; that you would go back to someone similar with the hope that this time, you would be better.
If you walk away from a narcissist, understand that you did the right thing and resolve not to go back to one. Don’t go thinking it’s your fault that the relationship ended. It will push you back to the hands of someone with a similar personality, and the vicious cycle with continue. Learn to move on. When you break up, evaluate what happened. What did you get wrong, and what did you get right? What qualities did you like, and what qualities drained you in the course of the relationship? When you make these evaluations, it will help you to set boundaries, be assertive about what you want, and be confident.
Are You Unsure if You Are Dating a Narcissist? Here’s What You Should Know
Relationships have ups and downs. And with the way people throw the word narcissists around these recent times, it might be confusing to spot a narcissist. Do you think you are dating a narcissist? It is important you answer these questions. Do they;
- Have an irrational need to be admired by others?
- Get pathologically jealous once you give someone else attention?
- Are they overly sensitive to criticism?
- Do they always try to get you to do things only when they want them done?
- Lack empathy and always play the victim?
- Have a sense of superiority and demand respect too much?
- Do they always want to show people they are doing well?
- Are they manipulative?
- Do they always find a way to bring the discussion back to themselves?
If your answers were mostly YES, then you are dealing with a narcissist.
Why Am I Sexually Attracted to Narcissists?
Sexual orientation differs and some people naturally enjoy their partners being domineering in bed. Sex-wise, narcissist tends to be dominant. They are selfish lovers. A lot of people believe that narcissists think just about their satisfaction during sex. Sex, to them, may not hold any real passion.
If you are sexually attracted to narcissists, then it could be a result of your sexual orientation. To some people, these narcissistic sexual tendencies are a huge turn-on.
What Turns a Narcissist Off?
We have mentioned what you can do to stop yourself from being attracted to narcissists. But what are those qualities that you possess that make narcissists not want to relate with you? As earlier stated, narcissists gravitate to people who have low self-esteem, are overly empathic, are people pleasers, etc. When a narcissist notices these qualities about you, they may naturally gravitate to you just as predators hunt down prey.
However, some qualities ward them off and they are;
Being Successful and Financially Stable
One thing is for sure; people can only have total control of you when you depend on them for survival. They manipulate and use you because they know that you will have to stick with them to survive. if you want to turn narcissists off, be financially independent. That way, when you talk about boundaries, they believe you. Successful people are a threat to narcissists. They know they won’t wield the power they desire when you are successful.
Confidence
You cannot overemphasize this. Narcissistic people don’t like people with confidence. people who have clear-cut boundaries. They become intimidated, and it’s not a feeling they want to identify with. Narcissists want to be on top of the game. They want to call the shots and make the rules. When they realize they can’t do that with you, they become turned off.
How Does a Narcissist Treat a Woman?
For narcissistic men, the rule is sometimes simple; get a ‘flashy’ woman who boosts their status and flaunts her for people to see and admire or envy (him). This is why very attractive women are prey to narcissists. Narcissistic men are known to follow a pattern when it comes to romantic relationships; idealization, devaluation, and discard.
At the beginning of a relationship, most narcissistic men will make women feel desirable. They’d flaunt her, usually for their own selfish purposes. They’d say anything to appear good and may even lavish you with gifts to win you over. They do not consider if the woman wants to follow the relationship bases; they just move at their own pace regardless.
After some time, they start to devalue and degrade them. At this stage, they expect attention, adulation, total admiration, and total control. When they don’t get these things, they switch. Have you ever been with a partner, who makes expensive jokes about you and claims to be joking all the time, or who will tell you outright to shut up when you try to voice out your feelings, or the ones who puts you down constantly in front of people? You might just be dealing with a narcissistic person.
Often, after a narcissistic person has devalued you, the next step is to discard. They move on to the next woman, and the cycle continues. Women who are attracted to narcissism would find themselves ditched many times. This can be traumatic.
It’s also important to note that male narcissists may most likely troll, insult, and even abuse a woman who rejects them. This is because rejection is like an injury to a narcissist. It hurts their ego and may bring up their repressed sense of self. To get back at women who rejected them, they would go as far as insulting her personality, sexual desirability, physical attributes, etc.
Additionally, narcissistic men are averse to women’s achievement. Most of them are highly patriarchal and misogynistic in nature. As a woman, pay careful attention to how a man treats your achievements and success stories. There might be a telling of who he is. Narcissistic men would rather have women co-dependent on them.
How Female Narcissists Differ From Male
Thousands of articles online talking about narcissism somehow link to males. One might think it’s only men who are capable of having a narcissistic personality. This is perhaps because men’s way of expressing their NPD trait is more overt and tends to be more pronounced. We should, however, understand that just like men, women can be narcissists too. However, research shows that men are more likely to have NPD than women.
It’s equally worthy of note that male and female narcissists have the same characteristics or traits. The need to be admired and loved, grandiose self-image, the need to dominate and control, and manipulation.
The only difference between male and female narcissists is how these attributes manifest. Because we live in a patriarchal society, the socialization of men and women differs. This gives rise to the difference in the manifestation of their NPD traits.
Here are some ways male and female NPD traits may differ:
Money
Money increases the social status of narcissists and equally aids their domineering trait. But while male narcissists may most likely do anything to acquire money to boost their status and confidence, a female narcissist is more interested in spending.
Parenting
While male narcissists may complain about their kids getting too much attention, female narcissists would most likely give all their attention to their kids. This is because they see their children as an extension of themselves. Female narcissists could be those overbearing mothers-in-law who think they are the only ones who know their children and then end up frustrating their daughter-in-law.
Aggression
Very often, in a romantic relationship, when a male narcissist’s ego is hurt, he becomes aggressive. This trait is a way to mark his territory as being the one in charge. However, a female narcissist may most likely withdraw attention and affection. They play mind games and give silent treatments. This will make them feel in charge and in control.
Confidence
Narcissists are highly confident and charismatic people. This is what enables them to use their charm effortlessly on people. However, the way males and females exhibit this attribute differs. While a male narcissist exudes confidence and charm, a female narcissist is most likely to feel confident when others are beneath her. This is very often why they try to keep up with appearances with numerous plastic surgeries, spend money excessively to have the best items, and try to gain approval on social media.
Appearance
Because we live in a society where women are objectified, a female narcissist would leverage this, doing anything she can to keep up her appearance. Female narcissists would use sexual means to gain power, status, and money.
Also, another trait of female narcissists is the tendency to play the victim. This keeps their attention on them. People who exhibit this trait are said to have covert vulnerable narcissism.
What Type of Men Do Narcissists Like?
Female heterosexual narcissists like men who have power and status. This helps to elevate their status. They equally sort out men who are rich and wealthy. This way, they would have money to spend lavishly without doing anything.
Ironically, narcissistic women find aggressive and dominant men attractive. Since narcissistic women use men as a way to elevate their status, they want men who are domineering. To them, it’s a sign of power and authority. It equally makes them feel vulnerable, and most importantly, it makes them feel good when they are able to keep control of the man.
The Common Misconception of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
The common misconception about narcissism is that it is only men who are narcissistic. This could not be further from the truth. While more men are diagnosed with this personality disorder than women, about 75% to 25%, there are still a very significant amount of women who are narcissistic in nature.
As earlier stated, men’s narcissistic traits are more overt and, therefore, more visible, unlike women’s. Perhaps if women showed the same narcissistic traits as men, we might realize that there are almost equal numbers of narcissistic men to women.
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